To maintain closeness, couples should be open with each other, which means being willing to hear feedback from each other without being defensive or discouraging. This bond diminishes the feelings of liveliness and attraction between individuals. Robert Firestone termed a “ fantasy bond.” The fantasy bond is an “illusion of connection and closeness to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance.” A fantasy bond forms when couples substitute real love and closeness for the form of being in a relationship. The father and daughter research team created what they call the “Couples Interactions Chart,” which compares the characteristics of an ideal relationship to those of what Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone found to be vital to maintaining truly loving. In order to consciously and consistently choose the latter, it’s valuable to look at the characteristics that in more than 30 years of studying couples, Dr. Therefore, we can choose whether to engage in behaviors that are destructive to intimacy or whether to take actions that express feelings of love, compassion, affection, respect, and kindness. We are in charge of our half of the dynamic. Otherwise, we may be living in fantasy.”Īt times it may feel frustrating, but it’s actually pretty empowering to accept the fact that the only person we have any true control over in a relationship is ourselves. In order to connect with and sustain those loving feelings within us, we have to take actions that are loving. Even though it feels good to be loved by someone else, each one of us can only really feel our loving feelings for another person and not that person’s feelings for us. Firestone wrote, “Often, we spend our time worrying about what our partner feels toward us or how the relationship looks from the outside. Love is dynamic and requires action to thrive. Lisa Firestone, co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, often says that the best way to think of love is as a verb. Let’s start by defining what true love really is: What is True Love?ĭr. With science now showing that true love is not only possible, but can actually last a lifetime, we’ve decided to look at the psychological elements that allow love to bloom or fade. Cynics often swear it doesn’t exist, while hopeless romantics think everyone should set out to find their soulmates. The topic of true love has been debated for centuries.
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